Comments on: Love and Marriage in Modern India

By: Anita Jain « In The Armchair

Anita Jain « In The Armchair — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 23:20:06 +0000

[...] recently heard an interview of Anita Jain at NPR. It was interesting, but it was also quite amazing how the host, Jane Clayson, seemed to [...]

By: Marci

Marci — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 20:26:10 +0000

That Anita Jain purports to represent “what is happening today in India” is laughable. She is grossly misrepresenting India culture.

She’s describing a small, urban elite. It’s a population that is growing rich by catering to Western business, a tack that requires adopting Western mores and values. The middle-class – and by this I don’t mean the elite – has been set at just 5% of the population (McKinsey Global Study, 2007). Even in the big-city, Mumbai, middle-class suburbs where my husband’s family lives, people are not behaving the way she describes.

The level of self-absorption of this woman confounds me.

By: Mark

Mark — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 23:44:00 +0000

Sheesh. What some people won’t do to cop a superior attitude by making snarky comments about trivial language tics without addressing the content. I sympathize with the author for having to deal with a pretty unskilled interviewer who missed the point of the book–that the Indian dating scene in New York and in New Delhi had both blurred the lines between an arranged marriage and the pure chance of romance. Jain went to her ancestral city and found pretty much the same sort of dichotomy that she’d fled in New York.

The fill-in interviewer’s questions were all over the map (and she asked the same questions myriad times). There was no sense of flow, no sense of any attempt to build on each question and each answer to create a facsimile of a conversation. Considering the scattershot questions, it’s no wonder that the author had to pause to follow a really chaotic and clueless serious of queries.

The interviewer, the author and the Cambridge lecturer all had their proportionate share of “you knows” and “ums” and “ers,” but that’s entirely the fault of a lousy interviewer, whose job is to create some sort of coherent thread of conversation. The professional lecturer had a string of five “ums” in a row.

To take cheap shots at the “you knows” is incredibly superficial, elitist and pretty pathetic. Jain is a gifted writer and a published author, and the snooty comments from the stereotypical, pseudo-intellectual segment of NPR’s herbal tea-sipping listenership smacked more than a little bit of–wait for it!–jealousy.

By: Rita

Rita — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 19:20:32 +0000

Here’s another radio interview with Anita, this time from Airtalk w/ Larry Mantle in Los Angeles:

http://www.publicradio.org/tools/media/player/kpcc/news/shows/airtalk/2008/08/20080811_airtalk2?start=00:35:01&end=00:52:31

Great interview in my opinion. MUCH better than this npr one. She doesn’t sound nervous at all with almost no ‘you knows’ and ‘ums’ to speak of….great chemistry between her and interviewer!

By: DM

DM — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 16:02:10 +0000

To me it seems we Indians cannot speak without doing You know You know. Not only the guests, but even Indian callers keep doing You know You know on the show. I have to watch myself now.

By: raj

raj — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 22:46:49 +0000

I just listened to the show and recognise the frustration of the many complaints above. I think beyond the lack of superfical fluidity, Jane and Jain walked us through a fascinating topic of the cultural and personal interchange from India to America with candor and simplicity. I look forward to reading the book and being reminded again of, how despite our differences, the things that drive us; love, marriage, family, money, society, career are truly global.

By: John Matthew

John Matthew — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 03:00:52 +0000

Interesting. clubbers can find cows, dogs, and bullock carts on Indian road.

Interesting stuff you have there!

By: Nina

Nina — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 21:49:21 +0000

My feeling was that Anita was very courageous to write the book. Probably one reason her interview had some “umms” and “you know”’s is because it is a very personal subject, and speaking about it on the radio takes more courage; another reason is that being a writer, where you can edit and re-write, is a different skill from speaking. That said, I thought she was clear on many points and worth listening to.
There are so many factors that can lead to a happy marriage, including luck, and it makes such a difference in life, that I admire Anita for discussing, in print, and verbally, what many people experience in the search. I had a brief, difficult marriage in my early thirties. Later, in my early forties, I met and married (we found each other through a dating service) a wonderful man and we have been happy together for sixteen years…seemingly more deeply happy every day. I never expected it, so, coming later in life, I am always grateful. This is one of the benefits of finding love later, as Anita probably will, that you never take it for granted.

By: Crystal

Crystal — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 14:13:26 +0000

Cat–the music played during the interlude of the piece was from the musical “Bombay Dreams.” Hope this helps.

I actually wanted to speak up as a White American who married an Indian American. My experience has been nothing but positive. My husband’s parents were welcoming, as has been his extended family. If anything, my extended family has had a bigger issue with my husband’s race than my husband’s family has had with mine.

I am also, for the record, NOT a millionaire.

By: ju

ju — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 01:38:08 +0000

Interesting to listen to Indians being honest about their own racism. Marrying a white person is fine, even one who may not be rich, but marrying a millionaire black person is a complete no, no.

By: Gail Enid Zimmer

Gail Enid Zimmer — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 18:24:50 +0000

I caught part of the interview with Anita Jain on my ten-minute drive home from work and sat in the driveway to hear the rest of it. I have many friends in India, including one who is trying to make the best of an arranged marriage to someone who is not as compatible as he hoped she would be given their similar backgrounds, but that was his choice because his parents were not opposed to his having a love marriage. I hope Ms. Jain’s speaking style will not prevent anyone from reading her book, which is already being circulated by many public libraries. Sample pages on her Home Page – http://www.anitajain.net – will whet your appetite. I loved the story about the family comb!

By: skris

skris — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 17:01:41 +0000

The family plays a very important role in one’s married life especially with kids in India.
Getting married against the consent of the families has a big cost to pay later on. You won’t get invited to family functions (even the extended family) and be cut off over a period of time.
So many arranged marriages I know of are actually chosen by the couple but then arranged (all the formalities of the engagement and wedding) through the families.

By: meenu

meenu — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 16:55:27 +0000

I felt that the host and guest never matched. Here is Anita who’s written a memoir and being born and brought up here and does not have good answers to Jane’s question about marriage in modern India. This discussion should be more about her exploration, not statistics about modern India or status of marriage in India.

By: Cat Gomez

Cat Gomez — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 14:09:08 +0000

I heard a piece of a song on this program that I first heard when I was riding in a taxi on my way to the airport in London. The driver offered me the CD that I regretfully turned down on the grounds that I was about to backpack through Europe for a couple weeks and didn’t have and way to listen to and I was worried I would scratch it. Either way I haven’t heard that song in a long time and I would really like to know the artist and title of this song. I looked at your music section of npr.org and On Point was not on the list of shows to pick from.

Thank you for your time!

By: shrimpy

shrimpy — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 09:50:10 +0000

Thanks to Jane Clayton and her guests for a fun show. It looks like the cultural identity introspection trend is set to continue for a while. Also thanks to my fellow (aah-umm) commenters who sound like Youtube commenters who’ve swalled the big-word dictionary.

By: meb

meb — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 01:15:57 +0000

I am an American middle-aged woman who has had the good fortune to meet and work with Indians pursuing studies here in Boston. They welcomed me into their broader community of NRI’s and asked me to visit when they returned home to India.
Initial reaction-”I don’t think so…I have seen the pictures!”
Fortunately I was persuaded and I am now planning my 5th trip! Many of the wonderful families I have stayed with had “arranged marriages” I am told by these couples (most in their late 30’s) that in a love marriage couples “marry the person they love” but in an arranged marriage they “love the person they marry”
Those who are well-matched by loving parents plan to be together for the rest of their lives. Their love is an exploration to learn what they do or will love about one another. I am not proposing that we all adopt this manner of marriage. The next generation in the diaspora I have met are more in tune with what the British sociologist’s viewpoint. The younger women tell me they will agree to meet some prospects, but they will have the last word in the decision. Interestingly, the mothers of teens who grew up here are not planning arranged marriages for their children.

Meanwhile, one final point I am compelled to make is that Ms Jain speaks of the clubs and nightlife of Delhi and Bangalore and contrasts that lifestyle with the rural and traditional areas where it is implied that arranged marriges are foisted on 15 year olds.
I wish to submit that there is another group of educated but less fast-living and sexually active young adults who, during college enjoy more traditional lifestyles-not dating, but enjoying their off time with like-minded friend who go on group outings with many friends of both sexes.

Some of the references in this interview reinforce the many preconceived notions held by Americans about India. It must be seen to be believed!
Incredible India is a young nation, but an old country and there are wide variations in it’s
receptivity and adaptation to globalization.

Jaya Hind!!

By: Ann Sinclair

Ann Sinclair — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 00:32:46 +0000

I find it impossible to listen to this guest. She seems incapable of completing a thought or sentence. Umm…ahh…you know -interspersed all other words -over and over. So the topic is not getting through.

By: Pam

Pam — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 22:02:34 +0000

I enjoyed the discussion with Anita Jain. Although, it was tough to listen to at times because I was once a part of a relationship in which arranged marriages and race played a factor. I am an African-American woman and he was an Indian from Britain. Not familiar with Indian culture before we met, our relationship seemed doom from the start because of the pressures from his parents to “get married” and/or to “marry the right” person. I thought the comments I heard from the caller who married a South African Indian and the Professor from Cambridge regarding interracial relationships rang true to some of my own personal experience. Needless to say we did not marry and he eventually married a caucasian women. This program reinforced my belief that it is important to understand and grasp cultural thinking even in something as basic as relationships and marriage, and to understand what makes a marriage work within our own culture or between cultures. I am glad that I had the experience that I had in my relationship, and look forward to reading the book.

By: Gail

Gail — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 21:36:10 +0000

Anita Jain should listen to herself on the show..maybe she’ll learn to answer a question without the use of “ummm”, and “you know”. And she didn’t seem to be able to answer a lot of the questions…she rambled and hemmed and hawed…I had to switch channel for a minute a few times…she was driving me crazy with her vocal mannerisms.

By: Tanya

Tanya — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 20:58:19 +0000

I picked up her book last week and couldn’t put it down! I finished this morning…what a great story!