I am a stay at home dad while working full time as a butcher. My wife is a full time special educator and we do this both to cut down on daycare costs as well as being able to raise our own children. We also know two couples that are doing this exact same thing (mom working during the day and dad working nights/weekends).

This definitely seems unconventional, but I find myself wondering how unconventional this really is.

My wife is also pregnant with twin boys that are due in the fall and we plan to put our 4 -year-old daughter in daycare and continue with me watching the twins during the week (cue fear and trembling).

Thanks,

Jason

Lewis is basically saying the same thing is said on the Daily Show. I feel like I’m listening to an infomercial for his book.

My experience is that when parenting works best is when the mother and father work together as a team.
They have to respect each other and not contradict what each other is trying to do regarding their children.

My husband and I just switched roles this year.
I am now the full-time working parent and he is the full time stay-at-home dad.
We APRECIATE each other SO much more.
There just needs to be understanding, because when people have children they have to renegotiate their relationship, their roles, and their identity.

Great conversation . . . .I was a stay at home dad for a few months while my wife was in the midst of her debilitating morning sickness and I absolutely cherished getting in a cleaning, a few loads of laundry and cooking for my wife & 2.5 all before 7 when they woke up; And all day long keeping our child busy, the house clean, my business running, and trying to get enough food & attention to my sick wife (but not too much), was much more fun than I could have ever imagined. . . I loved all of the balancing. . . but also more difficult than I ever thought it’d be either. The easy part was taking care of my kid & the house and my business; it was near impossible to do everything right for my wife, and deal with being a husband. Just the other day I said to a friend, before I realized what I’d said, that being a father is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but being a husband is somehow terribly more difficult. And I yearn to meet more fathers that want to bring their kid with them everywhere and do everything with them and think they’re the best thing on the planet, but for some reason I meet them few & far between. . .most of the dads I know just feel sorta humdrum about their kids.

Boy, I think most all Moms I know exactly how you feel about it being unfair, and then some.

If Dads think it’s harder to have to carry more of the weight of the kid stuff, I think almost all Moms I know agree – most of us aren’t having a ton of fun when we are working full time and then have the responsibility of the house and kids, and that’s even with a Dad does fully participate.

A lot of us would love to go back to that 50s model of Mom at home with the kids and Dad at work. It’s trying to work full time PLUS have all the mom duties that are killing us!

We’re expecting our first in August… any encouraging words of wisdom for a couple first timers??

Hi,
Interesting show, I took care of my sister when I was 11 to 13 years old. My father was on the couch most of the time and did not dare change the dirty diapers (especially the smelly ones).I am of the age when I should be considering having children. Frankly, from my experience, I really am going to stay away from having them. Too much work and I am not expecting much help from most guys.
Thanks

I am completely confused. I can’t imagine what you are talking about.
I have been immersed in child care from the beginning. I have changed diapers where the poop is farted accross the crib. Ever see the clip where the kid farts a plum of baby powder, been there.
Know, my daughter Gabby is 4 and Joe-Joe is 7 months. Gabby and I still get in trouble from mom for pulling all the pots and pans out of the cupboard and playing monster drums with wooden spoons, (I can reach them.) Joe-Joe wiggles amd laughs like crazy when he first sees me.
When we visit Grandma in another city, my sister & brother in-laws like to come with us. When we first get there, the mothers line the kids up with diapers and I spend the first 10 minutes of helloin’ grandpa with changing four sets of diapers and pullups.
My Daughter is Dad’s-girl and I am sure Joe-Joe will love playing with daddy too. I am very confident with my ability of childrearing and I didn’t read the book.

Thanks, Dad DAn

I have observed my two nephews in their mid 30s in fatherhood with young children and am very impressed. I believe it is the fact that their father was devoted to them, affectionate, supportive and a friend as well to them. His father was the complete opposite as he did not want that for his children. I really believe that it is the example good or bad that forms the fathers in the future and a choice as well.

As a male who, because of my lifestyle, was able to help raise my son I find this interview a self-indulgent waste of time. What’s to be gained by this book? I didn’t find it (this interview) humorous at all. It sounds like Mr. Lewis would be better off beating his drum with a bunch of other like-minded guys. The caller, Anna, hit the nail by saying even for women, it’s a learned thing.

What does it say about a society –culture when raising a child is perceived as this difficult for any sex? Especially the view of paternal love is learned.

Mr. Lewis is making humorous observations about a subject that a Haverford College professor has studied and written about at great length over last 40 years or so. Mr. Heath has studied two income couples over this period and seen how gender roles and expectactations have changed during this time. One of Mr. Heath’s observations is that since civilization has put us well past the time when a woman needs a man for protection and food, the men better figure out how to remain relevant, because women are now capable of being able to procreate, earn a good living, etc. without a man’s help (other than to get a sperm donation). In the long run, we males can either adapt and participate in the new, modern world or become increasingly irrelevant if we insist on being chauvinist neanderthals).

A father once (semi) jokingly described how the birth of their child affected his relationship with his wife: he felt as though his wife viewed the child as her own flesh and blood, but viewed him as just some guy she had met in a bar.

I’m tuning in from England (just found this station by accident)

As a stay at home dad, I find that the absolute worst thing about it is that it’s quite a solitary existance. Women have coffee mornings, shopping trips, play dates etc etc. The stay at home dads I have spoken to rarely get invited along to these things and the only adult conversation they may have during a whole day might be 5 minutes chat when picking the kids up from school.

While I appreciate expression of raw feelings, the only raw feeling that seem sincere to me is that “this is hard”. Everything else seems to be sensationalized to get more attention by provoking the sensibilities of women. It is so annoying to have men run around claiming that they are too ignorant to be proper caretakers of children. He may be, but there are many, many men who are not. This is more about respect for one’s spouse than it is about parenting. Michael Lewis has said that he has a wonderful relationship with his father. I would be interested to know how his relationship is or was with his mother and if he had ever discussed with her how she felt about how his father’s role in parenting.

I am also the mother of three and I just can’t imagine my husband thinking that his experience is so different than mine. We don’t always do the same things, but we work together as a team to muddle through it. I wonder if you have thought about how your self-focus has affected your wife’s early experiences as a mother.

i am a stay-at-home dad by day, musician by night.

i think the lament of “the end” of a clear father-role aught to be balanced by speaking with those who didn’t fit that role to begin with.
parents who don’t fit the traditional mold–because they have different career roles, they have different strengths and wants that lead them to shuffle roles, that the family caregiver is a single parent/grandparent/etc, that parents may be the same gender, etc.–hopefully have an easier time today being true to themselves as a family.

the “burden” of having a creative stake in parenting roles doesn’t seem like a negative–a lot like the “burden” of caring for a child day-to-day, which the author (grudgingly?) admits builds love & attachment.

also, i wonder how many dads (and moms, etc.) would have a different feeling for their kids, a deeper attachment, in the early days after birth if they were able to have a more authentic, participatory birth experience. my wife had a natural birth with a seattle midwife in a birthing center, and i couldn’t help but be drawn in. i went from sitting shocked on the sidelines (and forgetting everything i thought i learned in childbirth “ed” classes), to supporting her through contractions, the transitional stage of labor…and before i knew it putting the first diaper on our son.

Amen to owing everything to the child.

When I was getting ready to be a dad, I was FREAKED OUT and guys around me weren’t helping – neither were the by-moms-for-moms books that were piling up so rapidly in our house. In the end and just in time the only thing that got me ready was a group of dads who came by our house. I fed them dinner and they fed me their stories about becomming and being dads. Powerful to hear the stories (and not the advice, not the tips, and certainly not the corny jokes – “Nice knowing you!”). I don’t think guys ask for and don’t tell their stories often enough. Glad this new book is out there for the dads to be. I could have used it!

For Brian who asked about helpful thoughts on first-timers: realize sleep will be lost, that it’s all a steep learning curve and as a male, jump in and help. Don’t wait to be asked. And let the housecleaning go. Good luck. And have fun.

i too am very involved father with twins (w/ full-time job) and agree completely with Lewis on the intensity of work and emotions required….but it seems he wants or needs some kind of affirmation or appreciation from his kids to make him feel better….this kind of bond and love established between parent to child is ‘unconditional’ and i believe you have to remind yourself of this over and over…esp. during the tough times…

It’s interesting to me that Michael Lewis and many of the Dads calling in talk so much about the on-the-ground realities of child-rearing, and these are the impressions we are meant to take away? Yawn…that ground has been covered in popular culture, it seems to me. It’s funny how every new at-home Dad thinks he invented the category. If only Mr. Lewis, if only, from your precious bully pulpit, you would be the wise messenger who spreads this wisdom: Best thing a man can do(not the only thing): after your children arrive, continue to be a fabulous husband/partner to the mother of your child. Why? If the mother is content, that good vibe radiates 360, generating exponential well-being in her circle of life. And when your kids are all above six, you’ll be delighted by the “side” benefits, wink wink. There’s where you cut your better “deal”.

This is great two infomercials back to back today.
I’m starting to wonder about this program and this station.

Motherhood didn’t come naturally to me right away either, but at least I had the support of a husband who dove in and dedicated himself to our new family. He changed diapers, he gladly and proudly pushed his stroller without feeling like a sucker. He wasn’t just a wage earner, and he didn’t consider his role in the delivery room to be irrelevant. But then again, he’s not Michael Lewis. I’m adding Michael to my list of men I’m sure glad I didn’t marry. I hope he’s evolved as much as he says he has. Poor Tabitha.

On Point is stuffy and out of touch always. I’m always picturing a guest with a sweater draped over their shoulders, legs crossed at the knee, and the loafer dangling from the toes. Forced laughter and stutter talk.

I felt love for my child at the moment we did the first sonogram. My infant child’s scream was music to my ears. This discussion was disturbing.

It’s a real shame that Mr. Lewis finds it either funny or appropriate to suggest that babies who have died from SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) were perhaps murdered. You should be ashamed for making a joke of this. SIDS is a real and devastating cause of death in infants, less so now than ever, and yet still tragic. It has nothing to do with murder. And while your humor about wishing to throw a child off a balcony (who hasn’t thought that at least once?) may be dark, your suggesting that SIDS babies may actually be murder victims, and victims of overtired or frustrated parents, is truly despicable and disgusting.

It was very refreshing, not to mention hilarious, to hear Mr. Lewis speak so honestly about the beginning of and the continuing journey into fatherhood. Apparently, his most intimate and loving relationships are based in truth not political correctness. I imagine his wife and children love and appreciate him as much as he does them.

ben- is your comment a joke or for real? i hope it’s a joke.

I agree with Ben. As a father of young children my role is to provide unconditional love and expect nothing in return. In return I have been given more joy and love from my children than I ever imagined. I work hard and sometimes I have to travel for work. When I’m home at night and on the weekends I change the diapers and put my children to bed and I completely take over the roll of care giver. I do this not for my wife but for me.

Thank you. I thought I was nearly alone, but was too afraid of what would happen if I ever broached the subject. I am blessed with an amazingly understanding wife but I was my harshest critic. I was confident I could “do the job”, but fearful I would never love my child, and so fail in giving her the parenting she deserved. It was but a few weeks ago I finally turned the corner and truly felt love, 20+ months into my daughter’s life!

This podcast gives me immense relief. Thank you for having the guts to tell the story in all its gory details. I will get your book right away!

-Relieved Father

I found this show interesting, but disagree with the guest when he said in the end all styles of fathering may be equal.

I was raised by a father in the old-school way, and must note that having someone “provide” for you in a generic sense does not necessarily lead to the experience of being loved. I frequently felt confused over my father’s feelings toward me (and toward everything, he not expressing very much), and never did develop a relationship with him that felt individual as opposed to a generic feeling he displayed toward all his children.

I still call my mother instead of my father in times of need not because I think he innately cannot empathize, but because on a very fundamental level I do not know him.

I’m sure he was deemed a “good father” by his generation, but I feel a great deal of loneliness and insecurity when I think about our relationship.

My favorite part of this show was when the fathers called in and shared anecdotes about how much they liked their children, because this is simply something I’ve never really heard articulated.

Perhaps for fathers in the end all fathering is equal, but I doubt the same is true for their children.