As Human Woman I feel like a deer in the headlights, so grateful that for the moment I’m alive and alert. A child is not so grateful for The World as Known. Like the Pilgrims, we grow into this holiday by harsh experience, past, present, and out in the future.
The return of harvest each year, like the sun at dawn, can be stunning.

Hurrah Ellen. Well said!!

I am thrilled to hear Ms. Visser’s comment about the reaction of Spaniards to our saying “thank you” so much – that it is experienced as a distancing mechanism. It took me years of being back in the US after 10 years in Denmark to get used to the idea that friends said “thank you” for things that, to me, were simply acts of friendship — “thanks for listening” is the most typical example, “thanks for driving” a close second. I tried to explain many times that this felt distancing to me – but no one ever agreed with me. Perhaps keeping a distance from your friends is a quality of relationships in this country? In any event, I am thrilled to hear that my gut reaction was right on target.
Ironically, people here (on the east coast?) also have a tendency NOT to acknowledge your presence when you walk into a room! I spent years being insulted by this… and even though I now recognize it as a cultural phenomenon, I still always feel that it is rude.

Hi, Great conversation! Early in my 22 years of sobriety I learned about the necessity for gratitude. It is usually a required action for me before I FEEL it.. Once I learned the art of the attitude of gratitude my life felt graced and I began to know serenity. It is a necessity if I am to have a fulfilled life.

Gratefully, Susan Bass, Hamden CT

I don’t like to exchange gifts. I don’t feel comfortable during the holiday season especially if someone gives me something because I feel obligated to give something back, even if I don’t want to. Plus, affection is measured according to the monetary value of the gift.

A close second is saying “please” all the time. The Danes don’t even have a word for “please.” Instead, they might say “would you be so kind as to…” or “do you mind (passing the salt)…” etc. To me, saying “please” and “thank you” all the time reflects a demand to be respected… is it based on a lack of self-confidence?

Agreed with caller Asha’s comments. I am also from India originally and there if someone constantly expresses gratitude that is taken as a sign of them not feeling close to you. It is somewhat alienating. I would rather my friends came to my home and treated it as their own, than say thank you for every little thing.

Thanks is bad enough. In America there’s this “you’re welcome” madness. I once was castigated for, after holding a shop door open for some stranger, for not responding to her thanks. “I guess I’m not welcome,” she sniffed. I had not been long in this country and it was an education.

One thing I find interesting is how many other cultures answer “thank you” with some variant of “it’s nothing” (“de nada” in Spanish, “de rien” in French). I wonder if it’s about minimizing any debt of honor that might otherwise be implied in a statement of gratitude?

Oh, now I’m thinking of Asperger’s and the people who don’t have the sort of dynamic gratitude, recognition, reconnaisance, all that involves. I know quite well how to switch off the interactive mode and go on automatic, with please and thank you. But if I really want to “engage” with the other person, persuade for example, I shift out of my autistic mode and use all the recognition and acknowledgement that I can bring to bear.

My wife and I have a blast sharing our love of books with fellow Brookliners, and we find this topic to be of vital importance in this troubled time. We are thanked regularly for our volunteer work, yet we feel that it is all a part of our essential culture, and only needs the slightest encouragements.

This forum doesn’t seem to allow much thank you and you’re welcome, by the way, since I’ve had a quick acknowledgment stricken here way back. I learned better. Never say so little. You must insinuate your “you’re welcome” in a greater comment.
Why?

Or else: we will have a forum with all the tiny little measures of who has been the most thanked, who has the most acknowledgements. It will be a race to be most polite. We are that kind of folks.

Thanksgiving

I give thanks to all those people who have preceded me and to those who continue to struggle, sacrifice, and work
to make this world a more just and fair place for all its inhabitants.

I observe that gratitude is a symptom of my emotional well-being. When I am stressed out and feeling overwhelmed, I rarely feel truly grateful. When I am tuned in and grounded, I feel grateful for the tiniest things.

English does indeed have a word in response to “Thank you”; and we all know it as “You’re welcome.” So, a “thank you” isn’t the end of the discourse, because the “you’re welcome” that follows implies that you’re invited to impose again upon the welcoming party.

“A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving.” – Albert Einstein

I wonder if anyone did a poll as to whether the Republicans or the Democrats have the more grateful people. We know which are the more religious, I suppose.

I find it strange when I say “Thank You” to the toll person for taking my money!

Thank you to the toll person? It’s an acknowledgement that the person is there for you (paid or not), and in a fairly impersonal situation, a somewhat deadening situation, you manage to imbue it with a moment of connection, a verbal meeting of the eyes, and a machine taking the money couldn’t do that.

Funny that the annoying and apparently now-obligatory “Thank you for taking my call” wasn’t mentioned!

I’m dismayed that Tom and his guest were so rude to the Native American woman. She was talking about the very preciousness of life, and being grateful for all things….and they don’t even have the decency to finish their conversation with her.
This tells me that Native Americans are still second class (or worse) citizens here, and there’s no appreciation not only for the wisdom of their culture, but for the destruction of it by those who invaded this land.
Shame on you.

I believe that thanking the cashier is a way to humanize the transaction. My pet peeve is when an interviewee is thank by the interviewer and her/his response is thank you. It should be(ATMO)your welcome and thank you. This response is also applicable to the cashier interaction.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

To the man in Sutton, Quebec, who wanted Ms. Visser back in Canada,
I, too, was listening to her & remembering Peter Gzowski’s wonderful, wonderful program, which I listened to for years and years and still miss. What a joy it was to hear Peter’s intelligent & witty conversations with Visser, Margaret Atwood, the truly funny stuff with Danny Finkleman, the great book reviews, and so much more. I still have my copy of his book, “This Country in the Morning.” There has never been anything close to that program in the US.

There are also so many different idioms at play.

For instance, I missed part of the show, but think that perhaps the speaker is from Canada? When young people say “no problem” to your “thank you”, their phrase feels extraordinarily disrespectful and impatient. I think that’s the idiomatic part that our speaker may not have been exposed to because it’s local. I’m not even sure if you hear it in the American South.

Also, in Rhode Island, some people say “Please?” to mean: “I didn’t hear you or understand you, would you say or explain your statement or question again?” The only thing is: it is always said, when it is said, with incredible impatience, as if the person has absolutely no interest in what you said, and, come to think of it, no interest in you. It sometimes implies that you must be from somewhere else, so your opinions really don’t matter anyway. (In other parts of the country and for many other RIers, the phrase would have been, “excuse me?” or “pardon?” VERY idiomatic!

Bye! Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Actually, above (Nov 25, 12:11 p.m.), I meant to say, “local or generational”.

So in the spirit of thanks, maybe it’s time for the United States of America to thank the people who lived here for thousands of years for taking care of the land/animals/elements, and for not having the fire power and hatred to stave off those who were hell bent on taking what was not theirs.

Unfortunately, I heard only a fragment of the program, but what I heard was appalling. Margaret Visser was saying that to be grateful in the midst of terrible suffering is the height of spirituality. And she then spoke of a young girl in a Nazi concentration camp who said she was enormously grateful–but what the girl was grateful for is a little puzzling. Frankly, I am appalled by Ms. Visser’s stout-hearted good cheer in the face of, apparently, any great catastrophe and horror. I prefer a healthy dose of Mark Twain’s blackest pessimism. Now, that’s something to be grateful for.

Thank you pm!!! So comprehensively put!!! You made an ethical/political/sociological statement, but you did so by expressing your thoughts almost as if they were a picture, a vision!!!!!!!

I’d like to write your piece down, if it’s okay with you, in my book of ecumenical, international, religious/secular “graces” for the dinner table. I would love to read it to the family tomorrow.

We DO Remain!

My pleasure, Ann.
May all beings be free.

pm,

Thank you!
Yes!

E.J. Burde,

When you get a chance to listen to the podcast, you’ll hear that the guest did say that you don’t have to be grateful for everything; that some things are beyond the pale. Certainly genocide would be included in this category, but I do wish she had listed other matters she’d include, or rather “exclude”.

That said, my brother, at age 38, had a high spinal cord injury, paralyzing him from the neck down. He almost immediately planted himself firmly in an emotional place wherein he was grateful for “family, faith and friends”. He kept that attitude of thankfulness, instead of an attitude of resentment, because it helped HIM for the next 15 years of his life (an extraordinary length of time for that level injury at that time).

does anyone remember the name of the book that was mention by ms visser? the one of the girl in the concentration camp?

thanks

forget that request – found it! (i think…)

at this webiste of all places…hmmmm

http://www.gratefulness.org/giftpeople/hillesum.htm

Etty Hillesum
Mystic of the Holocaust (1914-1943)
by Robert Ellsberg

[...] The meaning of gratitude to different cultures and all of the different ways humans experience it are worthwhile things to reflect on this Thanksgiving. And Margaret Visser, author of The Gift of Thanks: The Roots and Rituals of Gratitude, is a guest on NPR’s On Point With Tom Ashbrook today discussing just those topics. It’s a fascinating conversation. You can listen to it here. [...]

[...] [...]

Margret and OnPoint, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

My gratitude is from the bottom of my heart, because first, OnPoint is a great radio talk show that even bothers to talk about this issue, second, Margret is right on the point.

Being an immigrant, I have always felt the same way how “Thank you” and “Please” are being overused and expected in American culture. If one choose to say “thank you” & “please” all day long, which won’t bother me at all, as long as they don’t expect others to express their gratitude the same way. But the problem is most people do. Everything has give and take. One that gives should have the freedom not to, but when they do choose to give, shouldn’t always expect being paid back.

This culture has become very commercialized, even the person who’s getting paid to do their job is expected to be thanked, why?? Same things goes like I don’t expect the person provides service to me to thank me just because I am the customer. Like Margret has explained, they offer what I need, I paid them, fair game. If it feels right, I will thank someone, but I don’t feel right to thank someone just to show my politeness to prove that I am not a rude person. Too much expectation creates too much anxiety and pressure.

We all need to have a core strength and confidence in ourselves, even when people don’t show gratitude, as long as we believe we are doing the right thing by giving favor, otherwise, don’t do it, because we all should feel free of obligation.

Shall we say we should “democratize” our gratitude.

Do I have the right to be a popular gay in my country lovely Afghanistan ?

thanks
Please show me the way.