My husband of now 27 years brought up a past girlfriend, after we had been married 18 yrs. During a moment of….let’s call it frustration with me, he actually lamented the loss of his past love. I remember her, I knew them both in college, and saw them together. I once passed her room in the dorm, she was sick and I poked my head in the door to see how she was doing. There were a dozen roses on her dresser from him. She ended up breaking up with him. He was very much in love with her and it showed. This love haunted me because I never felt like he cared for me in the same way, even after all our years together.

To hear him speak of her in that way after eighteen years of marriage and four children broke my heart. He later apologized for hurting me. But even after all these years, thinking about it still brings me to tears. I knew back when she broke up with him that he was deeply in love with her, but I didn’t need to hear it, not after 18 years of marriage. It has left me with a wound that I don’t think I will ever get over. Some things are better left unsaid.

My current beloved partner has aggressively shared with me her past loves, liaisons, and affairs. This was important for her but it has been a burden for me. I wish she had told me the highlights without many of the details.

My husband just called me from the road where he’s listening to On Point to tell me about your show. I’m at work now and have been for the past seven years on a memoir called First Love and he’s been not only sharing my memories of of him but living with the consequences of excavating in depth my adolescence.

When you go back and explore past loves, you reconnect not only with that person but the person you yourself were back then. This brings back a kaleidoscope of experiences and feelings — some wonderful and some perhaps traumatic. My history with my first love set off an even more profound excavation of both of our childhoods and we have both been researching our family histories as a result.

Hi,

I agree with the guests that it is important to talk about our pasts. I have a policy of keeping good relations with my exes and I want to know about my partners past for two reasons: 1) It lets me know how they behaved in the most crucial relationships of their lives and 2) it’s a part of their life. Just like knowing their friends and family, that is an important part of who they are.

We need to get over the immature jealousy that holds us back from wanting to know something that makes us feel threatened. It’s a good thing.

From Carly Simon Song - “No Secrets”

“We have no secrets
We tell each other most everything
About the lovers in our past
And why they didn’t last
We share a cast of characters
from A to Z
We know each others fantasies

And though we know each other the better that we explore
Sometimes I wish,
Often I wish
That I never, ever knew-
Some of the secrets of yours.”

My life experience has shown me that I’d rather know, even if it’s not always easy.

I don’t consider myself a tell-all type person, but I have found sharing this kind of intimate history critical to building a good relationship. I found that learning this kind of information about my husband has taught me invaluable lessons about what makes him feel loved. It’s not that we don’t make our own history, because we do, but context in all things, even love, is a vital part of the balance of life.

Thank you for having this show. I believe your guests are correct. I had a girlfriend many years ago who taught me the value of communication and sharing. Although we are no longer together, she is still one of my best friends. Since then I have not been able to have any relationships that did not have this level of maturity and intimacy. Because of several of these deeper relationships, I have a greater understanding of who I am and how to be a better partner. My fiancee is also just as open with me and we’re both very thankful that the other person’s past has helped each of us become the people we are today.

I like to congratulate Kate and Leon. Seriously!!! Absolutely!!! Of course, they are ahead of our times … my ex-husband and I wanted to write sonething about this topic.

I would not be able to function unless I was able to share in and outs of my ex-marriage with my current boyfriend (to be my second husband).

Most people never self-question, let alone share it with their loved ones. Material existing pressing, jealousy, hurt feelings, control and power games just take over. In order to be open, frank, honest with your lovers, husbands, boyfriends, you have to be open, frank, honest to yourself first.

People just hide their past from themselves…Romance, love, marriage need serious transformation as much as the “individual”.

Have a wonderful day!

My wife of fifteen years — the second time around for both of us — and I have been so open about our pasts that people can’t believe it sometimes. We have both used the Internet to reconnect with old flames and opposite-sex friends from years ago and shared the experience with each other. Only one rule: we ALWAYS explicitly state that we are happily married now. Fact is, communicating the high points and low points of past loves has connected us deeply. Frankly, sharing the *ahem* “details” can be quite a turn-on when you mutually know that what you have now stands in a category above the golden oldies.

Once my husband and I met, the emotions of all our previous relationships faded. We each know about the other’s past but none of it is important to our marriage. We’ve been married for 21 years. We’re pretty happy. We had either the good fortune or good sense to marry the right person the first time.

Let me start by saying what a great topic in helping those of us that have had to resolve our past relationship (s) without the closure from the partner I was in the relationship with. I speak very personally about having to struggle on a daily basis to resolve my sense of failure, shame on the most profound levels. My ex wasn’t available to ever talk this out with and I have been left making sense of it all and it effected my ability to let go and move on in new relationships.

Whether conscious or unconscious, I am carrying this baggage. There is an enormous amount of hurt and anger that I do not wish to carry with me to the next possible relationship.

These feelings are very hard to hide and I was wondering if they should be hidden. Honesty is so very important to me and I want a partner to be able to share completely, good and bad, but when does it become a burden or determent to the new relationship. This is not how I would want to start a new relationship based on our hurts or disappointments. Help!

I have been married 23 years. My husband was very obtuse from the beginning with information about past relationships. I married him believing that he hadn’t had any. As our relationship deteriorated over the years I became increasingly confused about what the problem was. Several years ago I learned through a third party about a number of intense sexual relationships my husband had had before meeting me. When I asked him directly about it, he only confirmed the information and refused to communicate further about his experience. I realized that I had been triggering something in him, but I had no idea what it was.

My heart is broken. We have four children and I get up every day working to make a home for them in a cloud of secrecy and distrust. Perhaps some people can navigate relationships without a foundation of honesty and forthrightness, but I can’t. To divorce doesn’t seem the best solution, and at the same time it is a sad way to live.

I live in California and don’t get to hear On Point until it repeats on XM at about 6:00 & 7:00PM. It kind of sucks because I feel so outside of the discussion. So many times I want to run and pick up the phone because I have something to share, but of course no one would be there to answer! Lol! That said I just value this program so much. It is the BEST talk show/interview program around. Sometimes I feel I learn more in one hour than I did during a whole semester at college. I kid you not. Tom is curious, funny and always prepared. This topic about past loves should be really interesting. I’ll be listening tonight. Alone. As Always.

I completely agree with Joan but for another reason. I was married once, my wife left me for another man (whom I never met but knew of) and then remarried for 25 years. My 2nd wife died earlier this year of cancer. I never spoke with her about the first marriage. Not out of secrecy, but two other thoughts.

In a nutshell - i got over myself. Whatever that first marriage was, it involved me of many years ago. Whatever the chemistry was or wasn’t it’s meaningless to the me of the 2nd marriage. There’s no logical reason to dissect a dynamic that no longer makes sense other than self-absorption. Let’s be honest about what we were in our pasts - none of us is that person any more. I’m very glad of that.

Second, I did not consider my 2nd marriage another story built upon a previous marriage. It was not worked out as an attempt to fix errors of the first go-’round. That would trivialize it. My first marriage shaped me, but so did my education, my early work experience, the maturing of my family and friends.

Out of respect for a shared life, for the other person’s freedom and your own to be who you are today, not who you were many years ago, delving into relationship dynamics of the past is not just a bad idea - it reinforces an inability or a a reluctance to grow. I think that’s why it’s hurtful - the inference is that the new spouse is married to the spouse of the old spouse. Nobody wants that.

- Rick

interesting topic for a show… in my relationship with my last boyfriend who was 15 years older and had been married before and had lived with another woman, a predominant theme was that he was going through a midlife crisis and i would listen to his stories and help him figure out what went wrong- which was good for me to give him a deeper perspective on the woman’s point of view- and a deeper view of him but if a person has had alot of realtionships, it makes you wonder if there is any space in their heart for yours- how will it be unique? i wanted to know and i asked alot of questions because it does shine alot of light on the other person, not only on their relationships but what was going on in their lives- but that can be unfair if they want to be a different person with you and you knowing their past prevents them from re-inventing themselves and transforming themselves in their present relationship with you- but on the whole, i would say sometimes i was impatient to learn after a year- how much in love he had been and still was with his former girlfriend and he had not grieved the loss- and not having been married myself, i found it hard to accept the dead end he had come to with his ex-wife… but in my present relationship, sometimes it feels unbalanced if you dont feel like the other person has ever been in love before- are they capable of it? does it interest them at all?

I hope Kate and Leon see this posting since I am a friend of theirs and one person they interviewed about past relationships (though my story didn’t make it into the final draft of the book). I am visiting in the Boston area for work this week, staying at the home of a past love — my wife knows, approves, and has nothing to worry about; it is a PAST love. I was riding in my car and heard Kate’s very distinct voice on the radio and realized immediately who it was…
Kate and Leon, if you’re reading this, sorry I missed Leon’s Birthday.

I think some people who contend that sharing about the past is a bad idea suffer from the belief that they’re better off if they don’t know. I’d invert that statement and ask, “What kind of intimacy do I have with my partner, how strong or real is my relationship, how much trust do we have, if I can’t tell my beloved the truth about who I am and who I have been? Maybe some people are wounded enough to settle for whatever relationship they can keep afloat by fending off the jetsam of their pasts, but that doesn’t work for me. I want love and intimacy, not the appearance of safety.
It has been said, “Past is prologue.” I did not spring new from the earth the day I met my wife.
Who I am, and who she is, spring from our experience. Who would deny their partner a chance to know that?

A song I once heard (I think it was called Stops Along the Way) has a verse that goes:
“Let’s not deny the other loves,
who we are, we are because,
of all the stops we made along the way…”

Kudos to TA for having Leon and Kate on the show to share their research and their insight.

Here’s a different angle: At age 61, I’m writing a novel about the life, and the sex life, of two college women, one lesbian and one not. I know, you’re saying this guy must be nuts! Whatever happened to “write what you know”? But as all you fiction writers out there are aware, the characters take over your brain, and they walk and talk in there every day, and I just try to write it down. I am, in a sense, in love with these fictional gals that I invented, so I hesitate to show this material to my wife of 24 years, because I think she would feel hurt and threatened by it. So what do I do? I send it to my long-ago girlfriend from college! She’s a psychologist, and has a daughter who recently graduated from Cornell. Her insights make my novel better, and it’s no skin off her nose if I write about sex. I may someday get the courage to share all this with my No. 1 sweetie, but I haven’t reached that point yet. Dear reader, if you’re curious, write me at dwrightmusic@earthlink.net and I’ll send you a chapter.

she was 20
I was 40
unrequited love of mine

now she’s 40
and I’m 60
unrequited love of hers

First, we would like to thank everyone who called on air or posted comments here. On reflection after the program, we realized that we may not have been as clear as we could have been on one essential thing: Our deep sharing of the meaning of our past loves was sometimes uncomfortable, even downright difficult.

We, like everyone else, have insecurities that are stronger or weaker at any given moment. But we have learned that by sharing and working with each other’s insecurities, we have come to better know and understand ourselves and each other. We know, from our experience, that the long-term richness is worth the short-term discomfort.

P.S. And Happy Birthday to you, too, Rob!

99% of the world’s lovers are not with their first choice.

That’s what makes the jukebox play.

-Willie Nelson

(great show!)

What a great show! I missed it yesterday, but just listened online. I’m off to buy the book!

I believe it is critical to share past lives with current lovers. For example, there is a beautiful song titled “Where Do You Start”, which to me perfectly expresses the pain of my multiple miscarriages. If I had not shared my prior pain from the losses, and even the meaning of this song, my husband (remarried 2000) might have thought that when I started crying (whenever it comes on the radio) that it was regret over a lost love, rather than profound sadness over lost children.

I was in shock when I accidentally scanned my car radio and ran across On Point & this subject. WOW! This very subject has literally plagued my marriage for almost 19 years to date.

Before we married, my hubby told me that he was currently in a relationship and “madly in love” with another woman but that he was willing to leave her for me because he believed I was God’s choice for him. He asked however, if before we married, he could talk to me about this relationship.

Being full of my own pain and rejection, I said NO. To this day we have not been able to work this through. For the most part, we live in utter frustration together because of this.

We surely need the Book!

Hi Kate and Leon!
What a nice surprise to get your email about the Boston NPR show! The contest winners taught me what I need to do to rework my entry.